Guest Post: Happiness Doesn’t Always Mean Working for the Man

I’m currently away getting hitched and honeymooning on a secluded beach somewhere.  In the meantime, I hope you enjoy these guests posts that I have lined up for you!  I’ll be back online and back to reality on Wednesday, June 22, 2011.  — Amber

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This is a guest post from Crystal, who writes one of my favorite blogs: Twenty Eight and a Half.

When I quit my job two months ago, I was elated for many reasons that would take a novel to explain. In short I was more than ready to move on, and I’d finally come to a point where I didn’t care what anyone thought about my decision. Or so I thought.

At a family dinner party one night not long after I put in my two-week notice, an especially inebriated uncle of mine, Chris, turned the conversation spotlight on me. Again. Hours before, over wine and cheese, I’d already told the group about my decision leading up to quitting, why I was doing it (they’d heard the story a “squillion” times, as Chris would say) and that was it. I just wanted out, I’d given much thought to my future and it didn’t include said job. I would go back to working on my books, I had said, knowing full well how empty that sounds to non-writers until one actually gets published. Until then, I could see in their eyes, I was not an author. “…And,” I continued over the canapes, feeling the need to sate their baited expectancy, “…I’ll pick up some freelance writing work.”

“So in other words Crystal will be enjoying an early retirement,” my father said, raising his glass happily. Right. Because writing at home couldn’t possibly constitute more effort than playing a round of golf and catching up on Masterpiece Theater reruns. He meant no harm by the early retirement thing; in fact, later he said he was joking. But at that second it felt like the most abrasive thing in the world to say, yet I smiled through gritted teeth.

I think it was during that same conversation that my uncle Chris asked me what I wanted to do in the near future. Other than the normal writing goals I had mentioned, I thought for a second and added that someday I’d like a big family with J, three or four kids were what we hoped for. (NOT that I was leaving my job to start a family, though there is nothing wrong with that. But we aren’t intending to start trying for at least another year or two.)

And so it was later over dinner that my sozzled uncle brought up my “job situation” again.

“What are you going to do, though, after you’re done at the office in a couple weeks?” he asked, emphasizing “do” as though my earlier answers had not sufficed. This coming from someone who has been unemployed, by choice, for over 12 years. But that’s entirely another story.

“I told you, I’m going to keep chugging away at my books and pick up some freelance work and –”

“Oh come on,” he interrupted, wine brazen as the rest of the group looked on. “You’re just going to pop those four babies out and that’ll be your life.”

Yes. “Pop” those four babies out. As if it’s that easy, and is my ultimate goal in life (though if it was, what’s so wrong about that?) But I forgot. I’m a woman, and because I mentioned the word “baby” that must mean motherhood is the still-point of my turning world. Clearly that’s why I quit my job. Clearly.

He obviously wasn’t, but I was mortified. Not just because he had no idea what he was talking about and was embarrassing me in the process, but because it suddenly dawned on me that this is a very common way of thinking when it comes to women and women’s choices.

There will be people who will always look down on the choices you make as a woman because inevitably something is deemed as being “given up.” Be it a high-powered career, or kids or a happy family, there’s no possible way you can do it all, and so you’re pitied for either what you gave up or for what you chose. It becomes a type of double-edged sword.

Three general examples:

1.) You have some sort of corporate career or high-powered job, doing something you love. You are happy and satisfied and you chose this lifestyle because it’s fulfilling. You’re 34, single or married, but no kids.

Classic retort: “You don’t have any kids? You don’t want them? Well, you must be so busy at that job (said like your job is a case of herpes) it’s no wonder you don’t have time for a family.” This is of course all said with heartfelt pity.

Salt in wound: “I just don’t understand how anyone couldn’t want a family. It’s what life is all about. I feel sorry for those that don’t choose to experience it, they are really missing out.”

2.) You have kids. You might have even left your job to stay home and take care of them. Perhaps you’ve tried working from home while raising your children and maybe you’re even successful at it. You’re happy because you get to watch your kids grow up and are there for them whenever they need you.

Classic retort: “I admire you, but I could never do it. I would go crazy sitting at home all day with kids. I worked hard in college and love my job and I just couldn’t imagine giving that up for playtime 24 hours a day. But that’s nice that you can…”

Salt in wound: “It’s just so pathetic when a woman leaves the workforce to sit around at home playing legos with her children. I need to use my brain.”

3.) You have the high-powered job and the family, and you feel like you juggle both well. You might have missed a couple soccer games, but you’ve got a pretty solid track record of being there for your children and it helps that your husband pitches in. You both make it work. You love your job, and couldn’t imagine ever leaving it. You feel like you’ve got the best of both worlds.

Classic retort: “Your children must miss you being gone all the time. That must make you feel awful.”

Salt in wound: “Your husband must be a loyal man. I know that if I ever spread myself that thin between a job and children, my husband would feel neglected.”

And these are only three examples. Bottom line: Someone is always going to look down on you, so do what you want to do. Do what makes YOU happy. Not what your family or friends or inebriated uncles think is best for you or expect you to do. You don’t owe anyone anything, least of all judgmental people who spew inaccurate expectations. Your worth is determined by you, and don’t need to apologize for your decisions. Hopefully you are making your life choices for the right reasons, and not to save face or appear a certain way. Life is much too short for such living.

Well, two months later I have yet to “pop out” any babies and I’m happy to report that not only did I land a steady freelance writing job, but I’ve also finished editing the first 100 pages of my novel. Slowly and steadily I’m making progress on my goals and I’m happy. Much happier than I was at my job. According to my uncle (and possibly others, I have no idea) I’m probably not doing life right. But that’s fine. There will always be someone who doesn’t think you’re doing it right, no matter what your choice is. So let them think that, and be happy that you are right.

This is a guest post from Crystal, the writer behind the genius, hilarious, adorable blog, Twenty Eight and a Half.  Go read it.