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Moving is a metaphor for relationships

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Good morning Loves.  As you read this I’m on my way home from New Orleans and as of last Wednesday when I left BF and I still didn’t have a place to live.  We need to move October 1 and we have yet to sign a new lease.   We have  been apartment hunting since June and now that we are in crunch time I am starting to reflect on what it means that neither one of us want to sign a new lease.

What does our inability to sign a lease say about our relationship?

The question to ask is – do we not want to sign a new lease because we haven’t found the perfect apartment or do we just not want to sign a lease with each other?  Looking back over the last few months of apartment hunting I can’t help but see the how our moving situation may be a direct reflection of what we are going through in our relationship.

We have been in our apartment (small as it may be) for six years and although it was supposed to only be temporary we grew accustom to it – downfalls and all.  We are moving because we need more space and we just want some peace and quiet.  We want to move to a neighborhood that is quiet but has essential amenities such as restaurants, a dry cleaner, a grocery store and a pharmacy.

I can’t help but wonder with less than 10 days to move and nowhere to go what does this say about my personality and my relationship with BF?

Is it really about the apartment?

I’ve come to realize that moving is really a metaphor for life and relationships.  We need to move but can’t make a decision on where to live.  Is this because we don’t really know where our relationship is going?

Keep in mind that I could be relocated or even jobless come January with the acquisition of my company by a competing firm and BF has already made it very clear that he doesn’t want to move to another city.

Why the need for change?

We are looking for a complete change.  We want to move to a new apartment in a new neighborhood.  Actually we want everything to be new; we want to live in a small building as oppose to the 21 floor apartment block we live in now.

We want a two bedroom apartment as oppose to our current one bedroom and we want it to be fully equipped including a washer and dryer in the apartment (not shared in the building) as well as a dishwasher.  What does this say about us?  Maybe we are being picky, maybe we are looking for a fresh start or maybe there’s another reason we are looking for the impossible apartment.

Afraid to make a commitment after 15 years?

Some people may say we are being extremely picking when trying to choose a new apartment, but I just think we are being careful in our choice.  Maybe our indecisiveness is a metaphor for our relationship.  Maybe we just don’t know where we are headed or maybe we are completely afraid of making a commitment – could that be?  Why can’t we just make a decision?  My initial thought is it’s because I want to be sure we are living in the perfect apartment in the perfect neighborhood because I definitely don’t want to be stuck for another six years in an apartment that we don’t like. However I can’t help but wonder if our moving criteria are a much needed change in our lives or are we just afraid to making a commitment?

What do you think – am I completely over thinking this?

Photo from Flickr

Where to look for love

looking for love

Good morning Loves.  Yesterday I had my usual Sunday coffee date with my friend Anna, you remember her, my friend who always tells me about her dating horror stories.  She is very open about all the jerks she’s gone out with and I honestly think sharing the stories helps her work through the issues, it’s a form of personal therapy.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

I asked her what she is looking for in a man and where she is looking for them.  She told me that she is looking for men in the only place she knows to look…at bars.  Now back in your 20s there were only a few places to meet men and only one place to meet a really good man.  Back then we could probably meet a man in the school library but who wants to spend their Saturday nights at the library.  So that leaves only one place to find men in your 20s…in a bar.

This is definitely the wrong place to find men.  There are a few problems with meeting men in bars, one: they are drunk and two: they are only looking for one thing.  That one thing usually lasts less than 24 hours.  So if you are looking for a long term relationship you probably won’t find it in a bar.

Is your true love online?

Nowadays people rely on the internet, it’s true for shopping and research it’s also true for their love lives.  I’ve heard both good and bad stories about people who met online.  One of my good friends met her boyfriend online; within a year she was engaged, married and pregnant.  That was a true happily ever after.

I had a friend in high school who connected with someone in an AOL chat room (It was the 90s), met him in person, fell in love, got pregnant and he bailed never to be heard of since.  I guess you just never know who’s out there.  But that can be said for anyone on the street just like everyone on the internet?

Look for quality love close to home

If you are single in your 30s where can you find your soul mate?  I think the best place to find your perfect match is at the office.   If you are like me your life consists of three things: work, home and the grocery store so where else would I meet someone (if I was single) if it isn’t at work?

I definitely think that two people working in the same office can be messy, especially if they break up, but this is only true if they work in a small office.  Two people working at the same company in different departments can be a match made in heaven.

An office romance means you both come from similar backgrounds, may have similar levels of education and you will probably have a lot to talk about.  It also means that your spouse will probably be more understanding about working long hours if they know the pressures of your common workplace.

My photos on Flickr

The One Thing I Never Say to My Boyfriend

Couple Spouse

Good morning Loves.  Saturday morning I was watching an episode of Will and Grace (boy do I ever love that Jack).  Grace just married Leo (Harry Connick Jr.) when he decided to extend his stay in South America with Doctors Without Borders.  Grace was obviously upset that she didn’t get to enjoy the honeymoon period with her new husband but she didn’t say anything to him about her concerns.  Grace’s friends encouraged her to tell Leo how she felt.  When they asked Grace why she didn’t tell Leo how she really felt she said “Our marriage is so new, I don’t want to show my true colors.”

This statement got me thinking, how fake do we have to be to make our relationships work?  I have been with my boyfriend a long time, a really long time, and I like to think that we have a great relationship.  But then I started thinking a little bit deeper.  Even though we’ve been together for over a decade there are still some things that I will never say to by boyfriend.

I don’t think we have to lie to our spouses to make them happy, Lord knows my boyfriend doesn’t.  He is always brutally honest, sometimes so much it hurts.  He just says that being honest is the best policy and I do agree.  However there are just some things that I won’t say, not because they are mean, just because it’s not my place to give an opinion.

Off limit topics in our relationship

His family.   I learned very early on in our relationship that his family is off limits.  Now I keep my opinions to myself when it comes to my boyfriend’s family.  The main reason is because he knows his family better than I do and giving my opinion (if it conflicts with his) is only going to cause friction in our relationship and I don’t want that.  Ultimately my boyfriend is going to do what he thinks is best when it comes to his family so there is no point in stirring the pot, even if I think he’s making a wrong decision.

My family.  My relationship with my mom, dad and sister is complicated and honestly I think my boyfriend is tired of hearing about it.   I stopped talking to my boyfriend about my spineless dad, manipulative mother and my ever righteous sister – mostly because I think he stopped listening many moons ago, but also because there is no possible way he could understand what I’m going through.

My boyfriends family is picture perfect and my dad lives in a trailer park, it’s not exactly comparing apples to apples.  So I just keep all the animosity and anger inside and try to let it go through a healthy outlet such as yoga – or sharing with you.   It’s much better for our relationship if our families stay off limits.

The one thing that is not off limits in our relationship is money, my boyfriend and I always talk about our family finances.  Right now we are mostly talking about our new apartment – no we haven’t found one yet.  We have to decide what little luxuries we want and how much we are willing to pay for them.

Is there anything that’s off limits in your relationship?

Photo from Flickr

4 money signs you shouldn’t date him

Bad DateGood morning loves.  Yesterday I spent the afternoon at Starbucks sipping mojito green teas with my friend Anna.  Anna is one of my new friends, we met back in October at a mutual friends birthday party and we immediately bonded over our mutual dislike for young children in public places.

When Anna asked why our mutual friend brought her four month old baby to her 34th birthday party because she thought it was just going to be a nice adult night out, I knew we would become instant friends. Over the last few months I have sat in Starbucks every other Sunday listening to Anna talk about her boy troubles.

For all you lovely married people out there let me tell you that listening to single girl problems in your 30s is very different than when we were in our 20s.  As I listened to Anna tell me about men who are interested in her, how she meets these men and all her awful dates I couldn’t help but think “You should know better”.

What are you looking for in a soul mate?

I am admittedly not single, but I’m not married either.  I live with my long-time boyfriend in our apartment and that’s OK with me.  I know that I haven’t been on a date in a long time but I like to think that I would know what I was looking for if I did.  In my 20s I went on a lot of bad dates and back then I didn’t know what I looking for in a mate, probably because I didn’t even know myself.

However now that I’m in my 30s I know that if I were to start dating again I would want a career man, not necessarily a business man, who managed his money wisely and liked to travel.  As a financial planner I can tell you that you can learn a lot about a person’s personality by how they manage their money.

4 money red flags that you shouldn’t date him:

Not spending any money.  If you go out with a guy and he never spends money or always picks free date spots because he conveniently leaves his credit and debit cards at home it may be a sign to walk away.

Always buying lavish gifts.  Just like nickel and diming it is a red flag so is spending big bucks whenever he can.  There is nothing worse than a guy who likes to show off and spend money carelessly.  I know firsthand that money won’t always be here so I couldn’t date a guy who didn’t budget wisely.

If he always pays with a credit card.  Men who live on credit is a big red flag for me.  I did that back in my 20s and I wouldn’t want to go through that again.  I definitely wouldn’t want to start a relationship with someone who lived off credit and was paying off thousands of dollars in debt.

A man who never makes plans.  I am a huge planner.  I love making lists and I love being organized.  I live my entire life that way, including my money.  I couldn’t date a man who never makes plans, or worse, a man who makes plans and doesn’t stick to them.  People’s lifestyle is made up of personality traits and if he is unorganized in life he probably also mismanages his money.

Would you add anything to the list?

  Photo by Flickr